The Alternate Reality... An Alternate Universe

Cheney runs amok... shoots American

2006-02-14T15:01:00.000-05:00

Could not pass up the opportunity... Taken from the WSJ.

Cheney Accident Triggers Jokes on Late-Night TV
By BROOKS BARNES (WSJ) February 14, 2006 8:42 a.m.

For TV comics, it's a target so big and so attractive that few will resist taking their shot.
Vice President Dick Cheney was already the butt of jokes on the late-night TV circuit for his brooding public persona, ardent support for the war in Iraq and his powerful role in the Bush White House. Even his heart condition was the constant object of monologue material. But with news that the vice president accidentally shot and injured a friend while hunting on a Texas ranch over the weekend, Mr. Cheney is destined to become a late-night legend.
Writers for programs from "The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" on Comedy Central to "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" on NBC were overflowing with jokes related to the shooting on Monday. Rarely has a political figure as prominent as Mr. Cheney served himself up on a such a platter. Several writers likened the mishap to Bill Clinton's affair with Monica Lewinsky in terms of comic fertility.
The timing couldn't have been worse, however, for NBC: Due to Olympics coverage, a new episode of "Saturday Night Live" won't air until March 4.
Below, a sampling of jokes from the monologues from Monday episodes of various late-night programs.

"The Late Show With David Letterman" (CBS)
"Good news ladies and gentleman, we have finally located weapons of mass destruction … It's Dick Cheney."
* * *
"We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
* * *
"Honestly, I don't know what all of the fuss is about. What's more American than shooting your hunting buddy in the ass?"
* * *
"The guy who got gunned down is a Republican lawyer and a big Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
* * *
From "Cheney's Excuses," Monday night's Top 10 list: "I thought the guy was trying to go gay cowboy on me."

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" (Comedy Central)
A partial transcript:
Jon Stewart: "Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.
"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird.
* * *
The other player in the drama? Ranch owner and eyewitness Katharine Armstrong.
Katharine Armstrong: "We were shooting a covey of quail. The vice president and two others got out of the car to walk up the covey."
Jon Stewart: "What kind of hunting story begins with getting out of your car? As I sighted the great beast before us, my shaking hands could barely engage the parking brake. Slowly, I turned off the A/C and silenced my sub-woofers…"
* * *
Katharine Armstrong: "A bird flushed. The vice president took aim at the bird and shot and unfortunately, Mr. Whittington was in the line of fire and got peppered pretty well."
Jon Stewart: "Peppered. There you have it. Harry Whittington, seasoned to within an inch of his life.
* * *
Jon Stewart: "I'm joined now by our own vice-presidential firearms mishap analyst, Rob Corddry. Rob, obviously a very unfortunate situation. How is the vice president handling it?
Rob Corddry: "Jon, tonight the vice president is standing by his decision to shoot Harry Wittington. According to the best intelligence available, there were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there were quail in the brush.
"And while the quail turned out to be a 78-year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire region of Mr. Whittington's face."
Jon Stewart: "But why, Rob? If he had known Mr. Whittington was not a bird, why would he still have shot him?"
Rob Corddry: "Jon, in a post-9-11 world, the American people expect their leaders to be decisive. To not have shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak."
Jon Stewart: "That's horrible."
Rob Corddry: "Look, the mere fact that we're even talking about how the vice president drives up with his rich friends in cars to shoot farm-raised wingless quail-tards is letting the quail know 'how' we're hunting them. I'm sure right now those birds are laughing at us in that little 'covey' of theirs.
Jon Stewart: "I'm not sure birds can laugh, Rob."
Rob Corddry: "Well, whatever it is they do … coo .. they're cooing at us right now, Jon, because here we are talking openly about our plans to hunt them. Jig is up. Quails one, America zero.
Jon Stewart: "Okay, well, on a purely human level, is the vice president at least sorry?"
Rob Corddry: "Jon, what difference does it make? The bullets are already in this man's face. Let's move forward across party lines as a people … to get him some sort of mask."

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" (ABC)
Among the jokes in consideration for Monday's telecast:
"It's part of the president's new Social Security plan. Once you hit 78, kablamo."
* * *
"Luckily, the guy he shot was wearing the body armor that never got shipped to the troops."
* * *
"You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and shoots an old man in the face, 6 more weeks of winter."

"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" (NBC)
"Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C. Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear."
* * *
"When people found out he shot a lawyer his popularity is now at 92%"
* * *
"After he shot the guy, he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?' "
* * *
"Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"
* * *
"Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the White House since Bill Clinton."

Write to Brooks Barnes at brooks.barnes@wsj.com1

Groundhog Day Discord...

2006-02-02T12:23:00.000-05:00

Groundhog Day Discord

Punxsutawney Phil of Pa., right, predicted six more weeks of winter, but Staten Island Chuck foresaw an early spring.

Now that's very disconcerting... Who else and what else can we believe in, anymore?

Cindy says...

2005-09-29T11:38:00.000-04:00

Anti-war protesters gathered in Washington, DC, Saturday 9/23 in what Washington Post called the "largest anti-war protest in the nation's capital since the U.S. invasion." A little over 100,000,000,000 gazillion... okay I promise not to exaggerate... 100,000 protesters descended in Washington DC. One ascended and flew out of the city, the one being President George Worthless Bush.

To counter the 100,000 were 400... yes... about 400 (really yes... 400) who carried "Cindy doesn't speak for me" and "Arrest the traitors" signs. While organizers hoped for 20,000 and got a permit from DC officials for 10,000 more or less 400 turned out.

A day later much of the talk was focussed on "smiling Cindy" as she was arrested and carried away by two DC police officers.

Here's what she had to say:
"I had a huge grin on my face when I was getting arrested yesterday. I have received a lot of flak for smiling. Apparently I am not supposed to smile, but I had some really good reasons for doing so.
"First of all, I was having fun. I was with a group of good-humored, cheerful, happy people. We were singing old protest songs and old Sunday school songs and clapping. I felt I had to be cheerful to set the tone. We didn't want any trouble or to do anything non-peaceful. Secondly, when I got arrested and the officers lifted me out I was afraid that America would see my underwear and that tickled me...
"I don't think I can be challenged for my analysis of the war and for what I say because it is all the truth and comes from my heart, so I have to be attacked for smiling. I won't apologize for smiling, though, we are making a difference and that is definitely something to smile about!"

So says Cindi.

Bush to Condi: "I need a bathroom break"

2005-09-15T14:31:00.000-04:00

REUTERS /Rick Wilking:
"U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005. World leaders are exploring ways to revitalize the United Nations at a summit on Wednesday but their blueprint falls short of Secretary-General Kofi Annan's vision of freedom from want, persecution and war. "

Bush's note to Condi says "I think I may need a bathroom break? Is that possible?"

Wonder what Bush was whispering in his aide's in that classroom, when he was informed of the 911 plane crash... "I feel like pissing in my pants?"

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & her grief

2005-09-11T14:27:00.000-04:00

I did not know Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I knew her work. I knew how widely her work was cited. But did not know or cared to know the person behind the work - until now. Dr. EKR passed away on Aug 24, 2004 - a year ago. Some of her selected quotes:

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."

"There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub."

I chose the last one mainly because EKR passed a backhanded compliment to India that some of my friends can get offended by - or relish.

EKR defined grief has having several, often overlapping stages summarized the stages as:

One - shock, denial, numbness
Two - fear, anger, depression
Three - understanding, acceptance and moving on

After November 2004 - when I persisted on abstinence from blogging - after swiftly zipping thro' Stage One, I moved on to Stage Two and remained there. Remained.

It is four years after September 11, the tragic day made more tragic by how effectively it was used and exploited by the Cheney & Rove coterie. It was more easy to embrace Stage Three after 911 than after Nov 3, 2004 - the day it became clear the world had to endure another four years. I wonder if ever history will be accurate to record the fascism that is the Bush Presidency. Not if History is written by victors - victors of 2000 and 2004. Now, don't confuse this as resignation, understanding or acceptance - Anger is the paramount Stage Three trait that persists, and is aggravated every day that GWB continues to misgovern. And no, I am not a Democrat, definitely not a Republican neither a Pixie. Just an ordinary human unable to tolerate a government that is beholden to Halliburton & co.

Duct tape this!

2004-11-30T13:59:00.000-05:00

Tom Ridge Resigns as Homeland Security Secretary [CNN] [WP] [NYT]

I got to admit that I planned for this day - the day after tomorrow - duct tapes, color codes, et al. After all what Tom Ridge has done for color codes and duct tapes, no one else has ever.

The WP op-ed yesterday took the opportunity to poke Ridge in his ribs over the DHS readiness plan. Can't help but remember the duct tape hysteria [2] in Feb 2003. And for those still hibernating in bunkers, you have no one but Ridge to thank. So, thank him. When you ultimately decide to emerge.

Now, for your moment of Zen: Tom Ridge's Thanksgiving recipe for fresh mushroom soup.

Kerry's Thanksgiving... & the Yushchenko connection

2004-11-29T02:35:00.000-05:00

Guess what? Kerry's thanksgiving prayers included George W. and not just included, it was mainly devoted to W. Something tells me this was after the sight of Viktor Yushchenko, Ukraine's Opposition Leader, after his brief hospital stay. Yushchenko subsequently accused Ukrainian authorities for poisoning him. His detractors suggested he'd eaten some bad sushi. [CNN] [BBC]

And no, there was no mention of moral values as a cause for his baffling appearance & mysterious illness.

Where's the Supreme Court, and Antonin Scalia when you need them to decide an election?

Sleeping Tiger, Snoring Dragon...

2004-11-28T01:38:00.000-05:00

That pretty much sums up my Thanksgiving holidays. In the midst of a few delicious home-cooked meals, short films (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8) and late morning wake-ups, I managed a read on Maureen Dowd's NYT op-ed Blood is thicker than gravy... Now, that is NOT a pleasant Thanksgiving. Excerpt:

"I've been surprised, out on the road, how often I get asked about my family. They're beyond red - more like crimson. My sister flew to West Virginia in October to work a phone bank for W.

People often wonder what our Thanksgiving is like.

It's lovely - if you enjoy hearing about how brilliant Ann Coulter is, how misguided The New York Times's editorial page is, and how valiant the president is as he tries to stop America's slide into paganism.

This year, my brothers were on the warpath about news reports that Maryland public schools did not teach about Thanksgiving from a religious perspective. "Who do they think the Pilgrims thanked?" demanded Martin. "God."

Well, my condolences to Maureen Dowd. She is welcome to our home for some Indian curry, and we promise - No liberal bashing!

And my blogger code is...

2004-11-23T14:48:00.000-05:00

B1 d+ t- k s-- u f i o x e l- c

Apparently there is a blogger code and I wonder who has the time to decrypt it. If you are a blogger, and you are laughing hard, I am sure you got your time's worth. For the rest, be confused and thank you did not have to 'work' to generate your blogger code.

Presidential doodles

And for something that is not blogger's code but Presidential scribblings. Courtesy JFK, the media analysts [CNN] [MSNBC] among others seek to read the hidden symbolism behind JFK's doodles. Summon Robert Langdon... where is he, when you need him?

Can't help wonder what the musings of President Clinton or Dubya would look like? Apart for being rated R and not for public viewing for images of bare bottoms and violence...

Skirmishes... suspensions...

2004-11-22T15:38:00.000-05:00

"SANTIAGO, Chile (AP) -- President Bush stepped into the middle of a confrontation and pulled his lead Secret Service agent away from Chilean security officials who barred his bodyguards from entering an elegant dinner for 21 world leaders Saturday night."

Full report: [CNN] [WP] [Video] [Download video]

Pic1: U.S. and Chilean security agents argue after a U.S. agent was blocked from accompanying President Bush.
Pic2: President Bush, center, reaches in to the crowd for his Secret Service agent Saturday in Santiago, Chile.

Following which NBA commissioner David Stern, suspended President Bush for the rest of his term from the White House. [Video]

As it is common knowledge President Bush has been 'working hard', he will now have time to promote his latest rap album 'Freedom on the March' after his previous hits 'Weapons of Mass Destruction' and 'Subliminable'. His agent, Karl Rove, declined to comment until the next Presidential election.

Foot note: Pacers forward Ron Artest has been suspended for the rest of the season for his role in Friday's donnybrook in Detroit. The 73-game suspension is the longest in NBA history. On the bright side, Artest no longer will be known as the knucklehead who asked for time off to promote his album.

All the Democrats have, are memories...

2004-11-19T11:58:00.000-05:00

During the press coverage of the Clinton Presidential Library opening, there was a funny moment when James Carville said the event was bringing back a lot of memories--and, after this month's election, memories is all the Democrats have right now...

Not exactly memories, but a rather picturesque moment!

And it appears, the President snogging his cabinet members seems to be getting press attention. Another. [Video]. Isn't it sweet?! :-) Yeah, my sarcasm is not always evident. Is it?

And now for your moment of Zen...
Ripped from the headlines: Bush pardons turkey...

Before and After pictures

And how far can France be behind in refraining from any criticism? [Chirac chides Bush over Turkey]

Bush: Compassionate conservative or passionate conservative?!

2004-11-18T13:35:00.000-05:00

And for the record, the following image is a fake!

Paula Rawson of Greenwood, Ind. said: "I have to admit that I was taken aback for a few seconds when I saw the picture of Bush kissing Rice on the cheek. But, after thinking about it, I just thought that it was similar to how people greet other people in other nations. I have not seen the picture of him kissing Spelling on the lips! That's just out of line -- period. It's one of those moments when you have to ask yourself, 'What was he thinking?' Less than a small kiss has been perceived as sexual harassment in the workplace in the past. (FYI: I like Bush and voted for him.)" [WP]

Come on, Paula Rawson! Now don't get us started into thinking this is anything immoral.

And for a change, here is Bush not kissing.

And here's Mark Fiore's guide to recovery for depressed democrats. [Mark Fiore]

"Moral values" the new catch phrase... Move over "weapons of mass destruction"

2004-11-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

Now that the world has four more years to tolerate the Bush administration, there are a few fiddling with a mild sense of humor and a "moral" sense of outrage. Look forward to four more years of the Limbaughs and Ingrahams to preach us the virtues of morality (namely, on how to [s]win[g] an election) and tearing their own (read moderate Republicans) apart. Well folks, "morality" is the next four years of "weapons of mass destruction". Just as WMD, you can search all you want but you won't find it - red state or blue. Meanwhile evidence of it will be bandied around plenty but what you will not find is Powell waving tiny capsules of morality in front of the UN. That handiwork is now entrusted to the lady who thoroughly convinced us that "Bin Laden determined to attack the US" was not to be taken as a serious threat. Yes, Ms. Rice the 911 families are thankful to you.

Boy! Don't we miss the color codes already?!?! Leads me to wonder when it's time for Tom Ridge to perform the disappearing act.

Wouldn't mad dog Cheney be the happiest person on Earth these days? Karl Rove worked it, Bush stumbled through it, Kerry blew it but there he was - Dick the Brick - telling us, matter of fact, that US will be hit, bombed, maimed, anthraxed, if ever Mr. Flipflop became President. He rushed to the hospital fearing a fifth, if not final, but God intervened to bless him with just a mild cold. Morality does count, doesn't it?!

While Chirac and Shroeder must be trying to find their garage-stashed copy of the Bible for their own political play, Blair's quick dash to the White House after Arafat's demise did not elicit anything more than Bush's usual unending desire for "freedom on the march" on a pile of bodies. Morality in play.

Sorry everybody...

2004-11-12T14:45:00.000-05:00

And here's from Sorry Everybody:

Ted Rall writes "If militant Christianist Republicans from inland backwaters believe that secular liberal Democrats from the big coastal cities look upon them with disdain, there's a reason. We do, and all the more so after this election. . . .

"Would Bush's supporters have voted for him even if they had known he was a serial liar? Perhaps their hatred of homosexuals and slutty abortion vixens would have prompted them to make the same choice--an idiotic perversion of priorities. As things stand, they cast their ballots relying on assumptions that were demonstrably false. . . .

"So our guy lost the election. Why shouldn't those of us on the coasts feel superior? We eat better, travel more, dress better, watch cooler movies, earn better salaries, meet more interesting people, listen to better music and know more about what's going on in the world. If you voted for Bush, we accept that we have to share the country with you. We're adjusting to the possibility that there may be more of you than there are of us. But don't demand our respect. You lost it on November 2."

Face up to the new reality... and Canada

2004-11-11T14:07:00.000-05:00

One comment from another blog:
Fuck the South: "And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off."

And a friend who says "...I confess that if it weren't for the climate (in Canada), I'd be doing a little quiet research against a possible move in the next 10-12 years....."

And another "...I took the on-line can-you-get-into-Canada quiz. I scored 65 and the pass mark is 67, I would have to find a job in Canada or learn to speak French beyond the odd word or phrase."

And yes - all of them Americans.

Useful link: http://www.slate.com/id/2109300/ Dana & Alex Lithwick.

So, are Bush supporters not really smart?!?

2004-10-22T14:44:00.000-04:00

A new study out from the University of Maryland finds: "Even after the final report of Charles Duelfer to Congress saying that Iraq did not have a significant WMD program, 72% of Bush supporters continue to believe that Iraq had actual WMD (47%) or a major program for developing them (25%). Fifty-six percent assume that most experts believe Iraq had actual WMD and 57% also assume, incorrectly, that Duelfer concluded Iraq had at least a major WMD program. Kerry supporters hold opposite beliefs on all these points.
"Similarly, 75% of Bush supporters continue to believe that Iraq was providing substantial support to al Qaeda, and 63% believe that clear evidence of this support has been found. Sixty percent of Bush supporters assume that this is also the conclusion of most experts, and 55% assume, incorrectly, that this was the conclusion of the 9/11 Commission.

URL: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/politics/administration/whbriefing/

I know the media is fed crocks**t by the spinmeisters, and they in turn, feed it right enthusiastically to its audience... But does the audience not use an ounce of their brain to at least question obvious flimflams? Irrespective of the polls, we will know where common intelligence stands on Nov 2nd. (Or at least a few weeks later while the lawyers and courts fight it out).

And here's something to float anyone's boat:

As for more Bushisms, here's what Pappa Bush had to say about Junior.

"Bush the elder also acknowledged Bush the younger's long history of mangling English, describing how the "current president once wrote a paper in which he insisted that in 1519, Magellan 'set out to circumcise the world.' "

While it was said in jest, I can't stop thinking of Bush's Freudian slips. (Coming soon!)

The Alternate Reality... An Alternate Universe

2004-10-21T19:18:00.000-04:00

While you can endlessly surf the countless inane blogs out in netdom, there's none more self-righteously inane as the alternate universe which I live in, loathe and love most. It has the peace and tranquility of not so-much as Mess-O-Potamia (aka Iraq) but more of the poppy fields in the war-lord-ridden-vastness-of-Afghanistan kind. Yeah, that kind! Of course, a meagre stash of poppy consumption upends the tranquility to Oval Office levels. That said, Top 10 Favorite topics:

1.) Which is likely to be more fair: The election in Afghanistan or the election in the USA?

2.) Which is more likely to actually occur: Iraqi election or the US election?

3.) Who is more evil: Saddam Hussein or George W Bush?

4.) Who is more dumb: Saddam for assuming Bush won't invade, or Bush for assuming Saddam would retaliate?

5.) Should Tucker Carlson not wear his stupid bowtie anymore?

6.) Did anyone see Desmond Tutu on 'The Daily Show' about 2 weeks ago? (For those who ask who the heck Tutu is, there is no salvation for you.) Weren't you really moved?

7.) Has anyone used the O'Reilly vibrator? Or the Andrea Mackris kind?

8.) How about Walmart's decision not to carry any book depicting naked Supreme Court judges, even if they were hand-drawn, and existed in a book called "America: Democracy inaction"?

9.) Who has killer legs: Paula Zahn or Sean Hannity?

10.) Who deserves to be Abu-Ghraibed: Paula Zahn or Sean Hannity? (Hannity deserves at least one yes-vote between (9) and (10), right?)